Exactly.

And it's not just that... that I'm gonna wake up a monster one day. I taught her. Or I will.

[He gives a soft, utterly humorless laugh.] I thought dying at 23 was pretty bad. I used to have nightmares about that fall. Now I kinda wish it was the end of everything. I don't want to live long enough to turn against everything I ever believed in and teach a little girl how to kill for it, too.

[He hasn't said this to anyone, but it feels like once Clint gets him talking he can't stop.]