asthehawkflies | [#000] Appointments

Now she does reach out, wrapping her hand around his and squeezing gently. She can't not, with the words finally said and things out in the open. If he doesn't pull away, she'll keep her hand there as she goes on, her voice steadier than it had been a moment ago. The worst of it had been let out, now all that was left was to give him the why. And somehow salvage her friendship.

"Clint. You make me happy too. And I don't want us to not...be together. But not like that. I can't. I will have a forever. And I don't want you to see things like that. I know you think otherwise, but dearest...I will look the same when you are old and grey. On your deathbed, because you will make it there, I'll have aged not a day. Can you honestly say that thought wouldn't bother you? Because it bothers me. No man or woman or god is that selfless."

She looks down at his question, though. Still, she holds his hand if he's willing.

"Y-yes and no. I told you before that Yuuna is my lover. Beyond that, she's the person I gave the gift of immortality to. Our fates are linked, forever. She and I will have that eternity, but to be safe and secure we made a promise. To always love one another and remember one another. Even if we do find other people to hold in our hearts. Only, I forgot during the shift. When I remembered, it hit me like a hammer. And that isn't fair to you, either. I love you. And I love her. And if I could I'd give you that forever too. But I can't. You deserve better than to be...entangled in that. She would approve of you, I know she would. And you'd like her too. I think the two of you would be good friends. But...it's not right, me having her forever and you for as long as you live. Even if she's not here...it's greedy, and you deserve someone who can make you happier than I can."

"And I should have told you before, about the promise. You aren't just a lover, and you're far more than a friend. I mean it when I say I love you and I'd do anything for you, especially to make this right. But...I shouldn't ask you to forgive me, or even to accept what I did. I was unfaithful and not honest. But Earth and Stars you cloud my head...so please...forgive me."

He takes her hand, squeezing it back firmly. He doesn't let go. He wants to keep that anchor.

"That- it's not something I haven't thought about before," he said honestly. Difficult not to when you were surrounded by people who were so much more than a normal human. "I don't know." It worried him. The fact that he was probably going to die young had mitigated the feeling somewhat. But here? Where death was impermanent... yeah, it made it that much more immediate.

He listens silently as she explains. That bond... to gift someone with immortality... "Saori, the shift wasn't your fault. The Malnosso screw with people's heads." That he was certain of. No-one should be held responsible for that. "You're trapped in a magic prison. I think you get to be greedy," he added seriously.

He scrubbed his hand across his face a little tiredly because this... this was confusing and it hurt more than he'd imaging this kind of thing would. He'd never known what to expect. "It hurts, hearing it, and I can't say I'm entirely clear on it all, or that I agree," he says bluntly, but there's no anger in his voice. "But... you've never done wrong by me. You're- I love you Saori. It's something I hadn't thought I'd find anywhere. I don't see how there's anything to forgive for being honest."

"Y-yea. It does hurt. Saying it hurts. But I think that's just proof of how close we are. You're someone I know in my heart I can count on. I trust you, and I love you too. But I...think this is for the best. You're too important to me to lose. So please, trust me on this."

She lifts her other hand, running it down his cheek and leaning in to kiss him gently for what's probably the last time.

"I love you, Clint Barton. And I don't want to lose you. I need you with me, but I can't feel right about continuing this relationship. It's as deep and serious as I could ever want. I never expected to fall in love with a man, but here I am." Slipping her fingers through his, she leans into him, wrapping an arm around him as he'd done so often for her.

"I know it hurts. It's tearing me up too. But I believe that this is the best way for us. We...I hope...can still be close. I don't want to lose the love we've built. Only...I suppose change it a bit? I still want to see you and be around you. There may be some things we can't do again, but that's up to you. I...don't know how these things work. I just...can't feel right, letting my feelings for you overwhelm my promise. Even if I am allowed to be greedy, I still don't feel...proper...asking you to accept all of this."

Quietly, almost plaintively she looks up at him, her resolve cracking more than a bit at the hurt evident in him. She didn't want to hurt him, but it was painful for both, as she'd known it would be.. "Can we do that? Be...something more than friends, but not together? I don't know what's acceptable in your culture. In mine, that's alright. Uchi."

Edited 2013-05-23 19:13 (UTC)

He blinks at the kiss, but returns it, letting it linger against her lips. There's a sense of finality about it somehow, no matter what his feelings on the matter might be. After a moment, he leans their foreheads together, taking a moment to just breathe. He wants to protest more, but at the same time, she seems so set on this course, so hurt. He can't bear to add to that.

"I said I'm not going anywhere, Saori," he said with some determination. "I still- I care for you a lot, Saori. I'm confused as hell and it'll take some- I don't know what to think, honestly. It'll take me some time to... figure things out." Perhaps even to figure out what he was supposed to be figuring out.

"But I'm not going anywhere. And feelings don't just vanish so easily." The shifts had shown him that and this was far more potent than those in the aftermath.

He swallowed at that question and gave a short nod. "It isn't gonna be so... easy, y'know? Not at first. Just changing things like that. But I'm not gonna- gonna hate you, which I think is what you're worried about, right?"

"We can...start slowly then." Saori swallows and nods in reply, leaning her head against Clint's forehead. Her eyes are wide, her lips dry and she has to visibly restrain herself from hopping back into old habits. And she sort of gives up and just sags against him.

"I know you're not going anywhere. And my feelings for you haven't...changed. Maybe we can just...ease out of it? I don't want this to be...a lurch for either of us." She thinks that's the word, but a little confused look flickers across her face. "You deserve better than that, and I...think it'd be too hard to go from what we have to so suddenly...nothing. It's just not...I think...it's too serious...and I can't help but love you...but...it's not right."

Her face visibly brightens when she hears him say he won't hate her. Her hands reach up to cup his cheeks and she meets his gaze directly, grateful for the reassurance. "I...was. I'm not now. I know you mean what you say."

There's another little kiss, this time on the cheek.

"Is that OK? Just...being less serious and still being close? Is that...something possible? I like holding you, and maybe it is avaricious of me, but I don't want to stop..."

"Yeah. Slowly." He's not sure how you just... ease out of something like this. "So what, drinks and movies?" He lets out a soft sigh, smiling tiredly. "I admit, Luceti's not exactly the greatest place to go about completely avoiding someone. But friendly I think I can do. Just... like I say, it's gonna take some time for me so- see how things go." He's not sure whether slow is better than making a clean break for a while, like ripping off a band-aid.

"You know I don't lie to people I'm close to. It's not how I am. Save that for targets and even then, Tasha's more the spy than I am."

He kisses her cheek in return, holding her a little closer. "You can be close to friends, sweetheart. We'll just... just take it slow. See how things go. You know you're always welcome here after all. But don't- whatever's best for you, okay?"

Bandaids and immortals don't work. Change has to be gradual, and it's always slow to come. So, with the usual affection she leans against his chest and nods, arms tightening. "I think we can start with just...not saying we're dating. And see where things go from there."

With a little twitch of her lips she sighs and adds "I...am bad with change, and now that you've taught me new habits...I don't know how easy it will be to break them. Movies, drinks, dinners, I just want to be near you. We can...dial back the physical intimacy if you like, but that is your choice. I believe it's called friends with benefits? But that is your decision, dearest." Morrigan has given her some bad habits as well.

Her finger traces down his chest slowly as she looks up at him now, heartened by his words. Time she does not mind, and giving him space for a bit she can do. "What's best for me is to just...keep you with me how I can. I...want you in my life, and for you to dream again, but I think our time is limited. At least in this, and it hurts to think it because I do love you...and I've never done anything like this before. So...I'll do whatever you want...so neither of us is hurt more than necessary. I just can't...be serious with you. It's treading too close to breaking my promise again. But it doesn't change the fact that you're special to me. My first boyfriend, the best man I've ever met, and...my hero. My champion. And someone I love. Thank you for being so good to me."

"The trouble with that, is that it doesn't help feelings change any, and they have to," Clint replies. If it had only even been friends with benefits, then maybe that would be fine, but now? Things changed. They had to change and he wasn't naive enough to think that it would be easy to just switch if things were still going on.

He manages a small smile at the touch, not half as bright as his normal one, but it was there. "Not exactly my area of expertise either," he replied with a wry look. "You're special to me, you know that. It just- I dunno, came as a shock. I'm usuall more perceptive than this but apparently not with feelings and relationships."

He presses a kiss against her forehead. "Could say the same for you, sweetheart."

She nods, seeing the logic there. She wasn't really sure, as she'd never quite put the same importance on that as he might, once those sorts of things started. It was just getting going that took time. But he might, and she's apathetic about the whole thing. "Alright. So long as I can still give you hugs." Because really, that's the most important part to her.

"I know it came as a shock. This...came as a shock to me too. The realization. Clint. I know it's going to be difficult...changing this. But I don't want you to be...second. You deserve more than I can give, promised as I am to Yuuna. And I am truly, deeply sorry for putting you in this position. Because you're special to me. The most special man I've ever been near. It is not that I love you less than her, never ever think that. It's because I love you as much. I swear that on my mirror." She hopes he understands the significance of that oath, too.

Realizing she's repeating herself, she smiles weakly. "You see how you muddle my head, dearest...? I am sorry." She hugs him again, though. "It's new to me too. But I think ending it now before it gets more serious...it's the safest thing." She kisses his cheek again. "Forgive me. For surprising you like this."

"I never say no to hugs. Well, unless I'm working. Then hugs tend to get you knifed in the back pretty quickly," he says with a wry smile. "That's fine. I know it might be strange but I- I need to be able to separate my feelings, work out what's friendship and what's more." He wasn't a god. Couldn't work the same way.

He does recognise the significance, draws in a sharp breath when she swears on it, and gives a slow nod. "You've been honest. That's all I can really ask for," he says, his smile a little strained. "Better a clean break than ending with someone feeling resentful, right?"

Taking him at his word, she hugs him. Tightly this time. She doesn't want to let him go, so maybe it's a bit clinging. But she does understand. "I understand that dearest. Believe me, I do."

Pulling back, she gives him a quiet smile, and nods.

"The last thing that I want is for you to resent me. I think I'd die, if that happened. All I want is to keep you in my life. That's all I can ask for. With how...I did this. I'm sorry...for being so bad at this."

He hugs her back, as long and as hard as she wants, because that isn't going to change. And he's glad that she understands because he really isn't sure that he's explaining it at all well. He's never exactly had to figure this out before after all.

"I don't resent you." He gives a small chuckle, shaking his head. "I'm not exactly brilliant myself. I think if anyone got good at it, then they probably shouldn't be dating anymore."

She won't let go, then...just nestling into his chest and nuzzling. It's almost childlike, definitely a little clingy, but she doesn't really care. Dignity and all of that went out the window, but she's resolved herself not to cry. That she won't do. Not for this. She's shed enough tears in Luceti.

"Yes...I think that is probably true. A hard hearted person shouldn't be...with another like that. But you're treating me far more kindly than I expected. I suppose I should've, knowing you as I do."

Her hands clutch the fabric of his shirt, and she moves her head up and down a bit with a little sigh.

"Thank you. For giving me a wonderful time. You've certainly changed my opinion on men. And you've given me so many amazing memories. And...a friendship beyond any I'd ever dreamed of. I'm sorry...that this hurts. But I think it'll be ok. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you."

Thrice she says, and thrice rings true.

"If it's that easy, just means you never cared that much in the first place, I guess so yeah... I like to think I'm not that far gone." He'd never been good at stopping caring for people, even when they were very bad for him as some of them had been.

His fingers trail upwards to stroke her hair gently, a small smile on his lips. "I'm glad. Never dreamed I'd meet someone like you anywhere, let alone a place like this." He lets out a soft sigh. "Life hurts. That's how you know that you're alive." When it stopped hurting, then you knew that things were over.

"No, you aren't that far gone. Nowhere near it, dearest." Her own way of thinking had been, until Yuuna and Luceti, to shut out the outside world. Keep herself isolated and away from the people that she might care for. Because they'd die or leave her. And that was not something she wanted to face again.

She smiles meekly, fingers brushing down his back as she hugs. "I'm glad I could share myself with you as I have. And that you accept me. It's all I can really ask for. And I love you for it. Thank you again, dear."

She nods over at the mountain of food she brought.

"I...thought you might want time to yourself this week, so...I made you enough for a long time. I hope that's alright. I just love cooking, so it'll be a bit like eating with me still."

"Good to hear. Sometimes I worry I'm slipping," Clint replied with a tired hint of a smile, pressing his face against her neck for a moment, breathing her in like he'd be able to remember what this felt like. "It's been good." He gave a soft laugh because hey, master of understatement there, right? "I'm glad we had this... have this... whatever. It's been... something I needed I think." Something... well, hardly normal, but something removed from his normal life for a while, even if it hurt now.

He followed her gaze, glancing over at the food and raising an eyebrow. "I am glad to know that I won't starve," he said, smiling warmly. "Thankyou. I appreciate it. And you know, if there's ever anything I can do... I'm not going anywhere."

"I know you're not, dearest. You're my Champion. You're my friend. You're someone I love. If you try and run and hide from me, I'll have to track you down and make you stay." She reached up and gently tweaked his nose before leaning back down and breathing in deeply. "My nose is sharp, and my reach is long. And I can't bear to face a future where you and I are not close."

"Oh well, we can't have that," Clint replied with a faint grin, fingers stroking idly through his hair before he leaned gently against her side. "No, I'm not running. Not from you. Not like there's very far I can get 'round here even if I want to," he added with a rueful smile. The compound wasn't small but he preferred a few international borders between himself and trouble he was running from.

She leaned back against him with a tired smile of her own. "Clint, you really are an amazing friend." Accepting her, and this with the grace you have, she really doesn't have words. Sharing so much together, and dealing with so much, the goddess just...she appreciates it. "My best friend." Her arm snakes around and embraces him as some of the food dances out of it's basket and trays begin to float through the air towards them.

"I really, really am such a lucky girl."

"I try. Don't have enough people I can afford to not do my best." Even if he had more people here than he'd ever had at home. Definitely more people he can trust at his back and maybe that's reassuring. Even here, with all the Malnosso can do to them, he's got people he can trust.

He can't help but laugh as the food starts to move with her magic. "I still say that is ridiculously convenient, sweetheart. And I'm lucky to have you. Not just for the moving food," he adds teasingly.

"I don't believe that for a second," she replies with a little giggle. "You've got plenty of friends here. And me. I think we're just lucky to have what we have." Even if it isn't what they had.

Trays filled with all sorts of food float over to them, waiting for hands to eat. Favorite foods, of course. She had thought he'd have been angrier about Morrigan. And Yuuna. And the whole thing in general. But it seemed well enough, so the food was just food, not a way to dull the anger. She sits up, but still leans against him.

"Drinks? Or no?"

"Here, maybe," Clint agreed, because he did seem to have acquired people. "Not so much back home. Takes a bit of getting used to. It's nice though. All of it. And I do enjoy the company," he agreed, smiling warmly at her.

He's still confused, uncertain, but he can't bring himself to taint this with sourness or anger. He really needs time to figure out what he's feeling right now. "You have any juice? I'm pretty sure alcohol would be a bad idea right now." He never thought clearly when he was drinking.

"Well, for the moment, you're here. And I thought you were the live in the moment sort, dearest." It's one of the things she envies in him, really, not having to deal with the burdens of time.

She nods and reaches into the basket, taking out two large boxes of plum juice. She's not sure if he likes that or not, but it doesn't really matter. "You realize, dear, that I'm not an alcoholic. I don't drink all the time, and neither should you. And certainly not over this."

Handing it over, she leans back into him, squeezing his shoulder with her free hand. "I'm so, so sorry it's so sudden. I know it's confusing. I'm...confused myself. I don't know how to feel, or what to do...or anything. I'll still be here for you. I still love you. And I'll still cook for you..."

Hopefully, he's somewhat reassured. That's all she wants, for him to find some sort of peace in this.

"I try to live in the moment and more often end up mired in the past," Clint replied with a soft, amused noise. It had shaped him after all, and there are some things that he just can't escape from.

He chuckled softly, pressing a kiss to her temple. "I know. I don't drink that much when I can help it. Bad memories." And there were some paths that he just didn't want to follow, no matter what happened.

He slides an arm around him, pulling her against his side, oddly intimate but not anymore and that is weird. "Oh well, if you're cooking... I'm still here too. And you know you're welcome here. That won't change."

Saori nods, sticking her straw into the box and sipping as she leans against him. It doesn't feel quite the same, no, but it's still nice. It's intimate enough for her, but then she's someone who's existence has been so divorced from so much that it's like she lived in an ivory tower.

"I'm glad to know that. And the same is open to you, dear. My home is always, always open to you. We've plenty of rooms to spare now, after the transformation shift, and I'll keep one made up for you. And food in the kitchen, because frankly I'm worried you'd starve or get fat if I didn't."

[#000] Appointments

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