asthehawkflies | [#000] Appointments

Weather didn't usually bother him. He'd sat on rooftops and cranes and mountains in freezing rain and storms before and still made perfect shots. It didn't matter. But this? It makes him uneasy in a way that's a little disconcerting. Ah, he was probably just getting wary over nothing. Things had just been setting him on edge recently. Pepper leaving, mallynappings, goddam shifts. None of it led to a restful sort of feeling.

Even with the weather, he'd finished his usual workout so now he was relaxing with a book from the library, waiting for the storm to die down.

...that thunder sounded awfully close.

It took him a moment to catch the sound of the knock when it was drowned beneath the sound of the thunder. He set aside his book and headed over to answer the door.

And stared. Just for a moment.

His gaze lingered, taking in the basket and the stunning kimono and the elaborate hairstyle which the wind and rain had (understandably) done nothing to ruffle. He smiled warmly at her, letting her step inside although her expression didn't do anything to settle his mind right now.

"Hey sweetheart. If I'd known you wanted a picnic I could've set a few things up."

She smiled right back as she stepped inside, a quick little twist of her lip that spoke of distraction. Folding her rather useless parasol, she leaned it against the doorframe and looked him up and down. A good man, a kind man. A worthy man, who deserved better than she could give him. His warm words and the smile that masked his unease at the weather spoke volumes.

Setting down the basket, she stepped in close and gave him a long, lingering hug. Contact would help. It might make this less hard, anyway.

"Hello dearest. I thought I'd make some food, and I made too much. And I know how much you like my cooking."

Pulling back, she nodded again, more steady and certain.

"And I thought I'd come by to talk. There's been some things on my mind. I'm not interrupting you, am I?"

"Careful there, you'll make me feel bad for not dressing up. You look pretty amazing."

Which might just be the understatement of the century. And here he was in jeans and a t-shirt which was clean but that was pretty much all it had going for it.

He hugged her back, happy for the company honestly. The apartment had seemed pretty empty since Coulson had gone and bringing people back was different to going out for a drink with them.

He grinned, gesturing to the empty room. "You know me. Wild parties and drunken escapades. You're fine, Saori."

"You look handsome as always. But if it make you more comfortable..."

In a shimmering flash, the kimono shifts in that way it does sometimes and changes into a Hello Kitty T-Shirt and a pair of jean-shorts. Still Yamato Nadeshiko, just a bit more modern. And an outfit suggested by Yuuna, at that. Equally fitting, and equally armored.

Taking a seat, she waves a hand and the basket drifts to the table of it's own accord so she can look right at him. Best to get this done quickly so she can flee, she thinks. Patting the spot beside her, the goddess nods.

"Come sit. This...is important."

"Maybe a little," he replies warmly, "I really don't feel like changing into a suit right now." Besides, seeing a goddess in a cute cat t-shirt like that is definitely something to remember. Not something that you see every day. Except possibly in Luceti but he was deciding that Luceti just didn't count.

The solemnity though, that earns a raised eyebrow, his humour vanishing in the face of it. "Important. That does not sound so good." He goes to sit down though, taking the seat next to her. "Something is wrong."

Taking a deep breath, she nods. The words stick in her throat for a moment, because she doesn't want to lose him. He's a friend. Her first male companion. And someone she still loves.

"Clint. I...think it's time for us to stop dating. There are things about me that I cannot change and...I love you, and because of that I can't...I won't...ask you to face them."

Saori's eyes close, tears not quite forming under her eyelids. Involuntarily, her shoulders hunch in on themselves, bracing for an explosion...

Edited 2013-05-23 14:58 (UTC)

There's a moment of awkwardness, something unfamiliar between them. They'd usually been fairly relaxed so it just added to the strangeness of the situation. And then she spoke and for a moment he couldn't really process what she was telling him. It just didn't seem... real? Not really. Out of the blue.

He frowns at it, taking a moment to really process what she'd said to him.

"Saori. Have I done something wrong?" he asks, voice gentle. "I don't- this seems very sudden."

"No, that's not it. It's me. I've done things that are wrong. I've been unfaithful and slept with Morrigan. And I-I...I can't make you happy, not like you deserve." She stumbles over her words, one hand clenching and unclenching, the other trembling and on the verge of reaching out to touch him. She doesn't, but it's a near thing, just a few inches away from him. The admission of what happened with Morrigan, at least, she doesn't think will be too much of a wedge between them so she careens onward in a torrent of words.

"It's something I've been trying to process since...I remembered what I forgot. I love you. Please, don't misunderstand that. But...I cannot stay with you like that. Not forever. I can't give you the things you deserve. I-I just...it's...Oh Earth and Stars this is so hard. I want you in my life. You mean so much to me, but you...you'll die. And I won't. You'll grow old...and I never will. And I-I can't make you do that. It...it's wrong. And...and it's beyond me to give you the gift I gave Yuuna. That can be done but once..."

But I'm greedy, and I still love you...

That was a hell of a lot to take in all at once. "Uh..." He's not used to being in this situation at all, not used to relationships and having to read between the lines of what was being said, or if there was any between the lines and he was just... really really confused. Things had seemed to be going pretty well?

He lets out a slow breath and forces himself not to take her hand. She'd have done it herself if she wanted to.

He's not sure how to take the news, but shakes his head. "You do make me happy, Saori," he says, because that at least is true. Something that was never in doubt.

"No-one ever gets forever," he says quietly. He knows that and maybe this is some kind of curse. Always go for the ones who are going to severely outlive him. "Saori, I'm not going anywhere. Not for a long while I hope although I think growing old is being hopeful and-" No, stop talking that is not exactly helpful.

"Your promise. That's what this is about, right? The thing you forgot during the shift."

Now she does reach out, wrapping her hand around his and squeezing gently. She can't not, with the words finally said and things out in the open. If he doesn't pull away, she'll keep her hand there as she goes on, her voice steadier than it had been a moment ago. The worst of it had been let out, now all that was left was to give him the why. And somehow salvage her friendship.

"Clint. You make me happy too. And I don't want us to not...be together. But not like that. I can't. I will have a forever. And I don't want you to see things like that. I know you think otherwise, but dearest...I will look the same when you are old and grey. On your deathbed, because you will make it there, I'll have aged not a day. Can you honestly say that thought wouldn't bother you? Because it bothers me. No man or woman or god is that selfless."

She looks down at his question, though. Still, she holds his hand if he's willing.

"Y-yes and no. I told you before that Yuuna is my lover. Beyond that, she's the person I gave the gift of immortality to. Our fates are linked, forever. She and I will have that eternity, but to be safe and secure we made a promise. To always love one another and remember one another. Even if we do find other people to hold in our hearts. Only, I forgot during the shift. When I remembered, it hit me like a hammer. And that isn't fair to you, either. I love you. And I love her. And if I could I'd give you that forever too. But I can't. You deserve better than to be...entangled in that. She would approve of you, I know she would. And you'd like her too. I think the two of you would be good friends. But...it's not right, me having her forever and you for as long as you live. Even if she's not here...it's greedy, and you deserve someone who can make you happier than I can."

"And I should have told you before, about the promise. You aren't just a lover, and you're far more than a friend. I mean it when I say I love you and I'd do anything for you, especially to make this right. But...I shouldn't ask you to forgive me, or even to accept what I did. I was unfaithful and not honest. But Earth and Stars you cloud my head...so please...forgive me."

He takes her hand, squeezing it back firmly. He doesn't let go. He wants to keep that anchor.

"That- it's not something I haven't thought about before," he said honestly. Difficult not to when you were surrounded by people who were so much more than a normal human. "I don't know." It worried him. The fact that he was probably going to die young had mitigated the feeling somewhat. But here? Where death was impermanent... yeah, it made it that much more immediate.

He listens silently as she explains. That bond... to gift someone with immortality... "Saori, the shift wasn't your fault. The Malnosso screw with people's heads." That he was certain of. No-one should be held responsible for that. "You're trapped in a magic prison. I think you get to be greedy," he added seriously.

He scrubbed his hand across his face a little tiredly because this... this was confusing and it hurt more than he'd imaging this kind of thing would. He'd never known what to expect. "It hurts, hearing it, and I can't say I'm entirely clear on it all, or that I agree," he says bluntly, but there's no anger in his voice. "But... you've never done wrong by me. You're- I love you Saori. It's something I hadn't thought I'd find anywhere. I don't see how there's anything to forgive for being honest."

"Y-yea. It does hurt. Saying it hurts. But I think that's just proof of how close we are. You're someone I know in my heart I can count on. I trust you, and I love you too. But I...think this is for the best. You're too important to me to lose. So please, trust me on this."

She lifts her other hand, running it down his cheek and leaning in to kiss him gently for what's probably the last time.

"I love you, Clint Barton. And I don't want to lose you. I need you with me, but I can't feel right about continuing this relationship. It's as deep and serious as I could ever want. I never expected to fall in love with a man, but here I am." Slipping her fingers through his, she leans into him, wrapping an arm around him as he'd done so often for her.

"I know it hurts. It's tearing me up too. But I believe that this is the best way for us. We...I hope...can still be close. I don't want to lose the love we've built. Only...I suppose change it a bit? I still want to see you and be around you. There may be some things we can't do again, but that's up to you. I...don't know how these things work. I just...can't feel right, letting my feelings for you overwhelm my promise. Even if I am allowed to be greedy, I still don't feel...proper...asking you to accept all of this."

Quietly, almost plaintively she looks up at him, her resolve cracking more than a bit at the hurt evident in him. She didn't want to hurt him, but it was painful for both, as she'd known it would be.. "Can we do that? Be...something more than friends, but not together? I don't know what's acceptable in your culture. In mine, that's alright. Uchi."

Edited 2013-05-23 19:13 (UTC)

He blinks at the kiss, but returns it, letting it linger against her lips. There's a sense of finality about it somehow, no matter what his feelings on the matter might be. After a moment, he leans their foreheads together, taking a moment to just breathe. He wants to protest more, but at the same time, she seems so set on this course, so hurt. He can't bear to add to that.

"I said I'm not going anywhere, Saori," he said with some determination. "I still- I care for you a lot, Saori. I'm confused as hell and it'll take some- I don't know what to think, honestly. It'll take me some time to... figure things out." Perhaps even to figure out what he was supposed to be figuring out.

"But I'm not going anywhere. And feelings don't just vanish so easily." The shifts had shown him that and this was far more potent than those in the aftermath.

He swallowed at that question and gave a short nod. "It isn't gonna be so... easy, y'know? Not at first. Just changing things like that. But I'm not gonna- gonna hate you, which I think is what you're worried about, right?"

"We can...start slowly then." Saori swallows and nods in reply, leaning her head against Clint's forehead. Her eyes are wide, her lips dry and she has to visibly restrain herself from hopping back into old habits. And she sort of gives up and just sags against him.

"I know you're not going anywhere. And my feelings for you haven't...changed. Maybe we can just...ease out of it? I don't want this to be...a lurch for either of us." She thinks that's the word, but a little confused look flickers across her face. "You deserve better than that, and I...think it'd be too hard to go from what we have to so suddenly...nothing. It's just not...I think...it's too serious...and I can't help but love you...but...it's not right."

Her face visibly brightens when she hears him say he won't hate her. Her hands reach up to cup his cheeks and she meets his gaze directly, grateful for the reassurance. "I...was. I'm not now. I know you mean what you say."

There's another little kiss, this time on the cheek.

"Is that OK? Just...being less serious and still being close? Is that...something possible? I like holding you, and maybe it is avaricious of me, but I don't want to stop..."

"Yeah. Slowly." He's not sure how you just... ease out of something like this. "So what, drinks and movies?" He lets out a soft sigh, smiling tiredly. "I admit, Luceti's not exactly the greatest place to go about completely avoiding someone. But friendly I think I can do. Just... like I say, it's gonna take some time for me so- see how things go." He's not sure whether slow is better than making a clean break for a while, like ripping off a band-aid.

"You know I don't lie to people I'm close to. It's not how I am. Save that for targets and even then, Tasha's more the spy than I am."

He kisses her cheek in return, holding her a little closer. "You can be close to friends, sweetheart. We'll just... just take it slow. See how things go. You know you're always welcome here after all. But don't- whatever's best for you, okay?"

Bandaids and immortals don't work. Change has to be gradual, and it's always slow to come. So, with the usual affection she leans against his chest and nods, arms tightening. "I think we can start with just...not saying we're dating. And see where things go from there."

With a little twitch of her lips she sighs and adds "I...am bad with change, and now that you've taught me new habits...I don't know how easy it will be to break them. Movies, drinks, dinners, I just want to be near you. We can...dial back the physical intimacy if you like, but that is your choice. I believe it's called friends with benefits? But that is your decision, dearest." Morrigan has given her some bad habits as well.

Her finger traces down his chest slowly as she looks up at him now, heartened by his words. Time she does not mind, and giving him space for a bit she can do. "What's best for me is to just...keep you with me how I can. I...want you in my life, and for you to dream again, but I think our time is limited. At least in this, and it hurts to think it because I do love you...and I've never done anything like this before. So...I'll do whatever you want...so neither of us is hurt more than necessary. I just can't...be serious with you. It's treading too close to breaking my promise again. But it doesn't change the fact that you're special to me. My first boyfriend, the best man I've ever met, and...my hero. My champion. And someone I love. Thank you for being so good to me."

"The trouble with that, is that it doesn't help feelings change any, and they have to," Clint replies. If it had only even been friends with benefits, then maybe that would be fine, but now? Things changed. They had to change and he wasn't naive enough to think that it would be easy to just switch if things were still going on.

He manages a small smile at the touch, not half as bright as his normal one, but it was there. "Not exactly my area of expertise either," he replied with a wry look. "You're special to me, you know that. It just- I dunno, came as a shock. I'm usuall more perceptive than this but apparently not with feelings and relationships."

He presses a kiss against her forehead. "Could say the same for you, sweetheart."

She nods, seeing the logic there. She wasn't really sure, as she'd never quite put the same importance on that as he might, once those sorts of things started. It was just getting going that took time. But he might, and she's apathetic about the whole thing. "Alright. So long as I can still give you hugs." Because really, that's the most important part to her.

"I know it came as a shock. This...came as a shock to me too. The realization. Clint. I know it's going to be difficult...changing this. But I don't want you to be...second. You deserve more than I can give, promised as I am to Yuuna. And I am truly, deeply sorry for putting you in this position. Because you're special to me. The most special man I've ever been near. It is not that I love you less than her, never ever think that. It's because I love you as much. I swear that on my mirror." She hopes he understands the significance of that oath, too.

Realizing she's repeating herself, she smiles weakly. "You see how you muddle my head, dearest...? I am sorry." She hugs him again, though. "It's new to me too. But I think ending it now before it gets more serious...it's the safest thing." She kisses his cheek again. "Forgive me. For surprising you like this."

"I never say no to hugs. Well, unless I'm working. Then hugs tend to get you knifed in the back pretty quickly," he says with a wry smile. "That's fine. I know it might be strange but I- I need to be able to separate my feelings, work out what's friendship and what's more." He wasn't a god. Couldn't work the same way.

He does recognise the significance, draws in a sharp breath when she swears on it, and gives a slow nod. "You've been honest. That's all I can really ask for," he says, his smile a little strained. "Better a clean break than ending with someone feeling resentful, right?"

Taking him at his word, she hugs him. Tightly this time. She doesn't want to let him go, so maybe it's a bit clinging. But she does understand. "I understand that dearest. Believe me, I do."

Pulling back, she gives him a quiet smile, and nods.

"The last thing that I want is for you to resent me. I think I'd die, if that happened. All I want is to keep you in my life. That's all I can ask for. With how...I did this. I'm sorry...for being so bad at this."

He hugs her back, as long and as hard as she wants, because that isn't going to change. And he's glad that she understands because he really isn't sure that he's explaining it at all well. He's never exactly had to figure this out before after all.

"I don't resent you." He gives a small chuckle, shaking his head. "I'm not exactly brilliant myself. I think if anyone got good at it, then they probably shouldn't be dating anymore."

She won't let go, then...just nestling into his chest and nuzzling. It's almost childlike, definitely a little clingy, but she doesn't really care. Dignity and all of that went out the window, but she's resolved herself not to cry. That she won't do. Not for this. She's shed enough tears in Luceti.

"Yes...I think that is probably true. A hard hearted person shouldn't be...with another like that. But you're treating me far more kindly than I expected. I suppose I should've, knowing you as I do."

Her hands clutch the fabric of his shirt, and she moves her head up and down a bit with a little sigh.

"Thank you. For giving me a wonderful time. You've certainly changed my opinion on men. And you've given me so many amazing memories. And...a friendship beyond any I'd ever dreamed of. I'm sorry...that this hurts. But I think it'll be ok. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you."

Thrice she says, and thrice rings true.

"If it's that easy, just means you never cared that much in the first place, I guess so yeah... I like to think I'm not that far gone." He'd never been good at stopping caring for people, even when they were very bad for him as some of them had been.

His fingers trail upwards to stroke her hair gently, a small smile on his lips. "I'm glad. Never dreamed I'd meet someone like you anywhere, let alone a place like this." He lets out a soft sigh. "Life hurts. That's how you know that you're alive." When it stopped hurting, then you knew that things were over.

"No, you aren't that far gone. Nowhere near it, dearest." Her own way of thinking had been, until Yuuna and Luceti, to shut out the outside world. Keep herself isolated and away from the people that she might care for. Because they'd die or leave her. And that was not something she wanted to face again.

She smiles meekly, fingers brushing down his back as she hugs. "I'm glad I could share myself with you as I have. And that you accept me. It's all I can really ask for. And I love you for it. Thank you again, dear."

She nods over at the mountain of food she brought.

"I...thought you might want time to yourself this week, so...I made you enough for a long time. I hope that's alright. I just love cooking, so it'll be a bit like eating with me still."

"Good to hear. Sometimes I worry I'm slipping," Clint replied with a tired hint of a smile, pressing his face against her neck for a moment, breathing her in like he'd be able to remember what this felt like. "It's been good." He gave a soft laugh because hey, master of understatement there, right? "I'm glad we had this... have this... whatever. It's been... something I needed I think." Something... well, hardly normal, but something removed from his normal life for a while, even if it hurt now.

He followed her gaze, glancing over at the food and raising an eyebrow. "I am glad to know that I won't starve," he said, smiling warmly. "Thankyou. I appreciate it. And you know, if there's ever anything I can do... I'm not going anywhere."

[#000] Appointments

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